Closing thoughts and closing the blog

Last Munich mommy-daughter photo

One day old...
Edie on the go!

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Keeping this blog has kept my family as well as a few loyal friends up-to-date on our lives over here. But it's also been a way for me to slow down, take stock of what's going on, and process the incredible changes we've undergone. Most of all, though, it's been a way for me to create a baby book so far superior to any baby book that any mortal mom has ever made that any parent reading this should be flush with quiet shame.

I started writing this post when Edie and I were 8 days out from The Big Move to Nashville. I was excited, nervous, and of course a little sad. This move was more inevitable than any before it because Munich was never going to be home. It was, instead, like living in an unbelievably lovely other planet; a 20 month adventure that we'll look back on fondly. But it was time to step off this ride, and for all the people and places we'll miss dearly, we're ready to get our feet back on solid ground.

Coming to Munich wasn't particularly well thought out, and at times seemed foolhardy. We found it difficult to get by financially, missed being part of the lives of our loved ones, and sometimes lamented that our daughter's first years were spent removed from those same people. But I've never really doubted the decision to move here. I can actually hardly count the ways in which the challenges and benefits of living here seemed tailored for us. (Please bear in mind that I am currently watching LOST and am therefore overly-susceptible to finding meaning in the seemingly random.) For me, the life I found in Munich was one stripped of anything that I used to define myself with. No profession, no circle of friends, often not language. I didn’t even look or physically feel like I was used to, with my giant pregnant belly and distinct third trimester water retention. Then, only weeks later, I was a mother. Something I wanted so dearly and at the same time felt wholly unprepared for and, initially, quite bad at. It was an incredible gift to be able to stay home with my daughter, mostly for the time we spent together but also for this spectacular moment for personal growth. Life was totally foreign in so many ways, and I had nowhere to go and nothing to do but dig in. Though my mind rallied against it (“I can’t do this!” “I am a terrible mom.” “My daughter doesn’t like me.” “It’s too hard to do this so far from home.”), I had a baby who needed me with her entire being and a husband who – as is his way – was always there. Not necessarily with sage wisdom, and often being accused of saying the wrong thing all together, but there, no matter what. I don’t imagine that it is this hard for all women to turn into mothers. But I have no doubt that it is what I needed: to be pinned against a wall, baby in my arms, until I stopped fighting and started being.

And so now we are gone, and the reminiscing is happening against my will. Though I spent the first 6 months largely indoors, after I got more mobile, I made some dear friends. Will and I explored Munich in our preferred fashion: quietly, slowly, and close to home. I passed many hours in Munich’s countless wonderful playgrounds once Edie entered toddlerhood and was privy to sights that can be sincerely called majestic on a daily basis. No cars and car seats seats, just snuggles and giggles on train rides. Never worried about breastfeeding in public. No leashes on the dogs. No Bratz dolls or Disney-mania. Our time there was a gift.

I maintain that I was ready to leave. But I still have a little grieving to do. In part for the simple and charming way of life we had in Munich. And in part for those we left. And another part that is just exhausted with starting again, with six lane roads and strip malls, and losing the flexible schedule Will’s job in Germany afforded him that gave me and little E so much wonderful time with our best guy. I got most of this out in an unexpected weeping spell on our way to meet with the realtor. And as sappy as it sounds, just looking at Edie is a tangible reminder that everything that means anything is right here. It’s going to take some time before I beat down a trail for myself in Nashville. But it will come.

So, I think this blog has served its purpose for me. It will keep this time fresher in my mind and will give stories to tell Edie when she gets a little older. I’ll keep up with regular Edie-centric posts on www.babygrissom.blogspot.com. And perhaps I’ll cook up a new blog about Nashville, toddlers, crafts, homemaking, etc. But for now, this Southern heat and life in a cluttered furnished rental home dun sucked the creativity right out of me. Goodbye, dear blog!